‘#KindnessMatters — The psychological value of being kind to yourself and others’

22.05.2020: As I reflect back over another week to write this blog as the Psychologically Informed Environments (PIE) at Centrepoint, in the UK it has been Mental Health Awareness Week. This is arguably, during the current COVID-19 pandemic, perhaps more important than ever. Managing our mental well-being as well as the ongoing risks to our physical health has been a challenge during the recent lock-down, especially as many of the social networks that we may usually use to support us have had to change in how we connect with them because of physical distancing rules. Many statutory mental health providers have struggled to provide the same level of service to our homeless young people because of the new ways of working to reduce viral transmission as well as increased levels of demand with ever diminishing resources. Meanwhile, our own Centrepoint health team (c.f. https://centrepoint.org.uk/about-us/blog/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-centrepoint-therapist-during-covid-19/) have also had to adapt to the new ways of working, to continue to offer mental health support to those homeless young people who are vulnerable in a safe and accessible manner in conjunction with the wider emotional support being increasing needed from our housing staff team(s). Our PIE Team has also been supporting staff with their mental health, and the emotional challenges of continuing to work on the homelessness ‘frontline’ whether that be in services or remotely during this pandemic. This week’s Mental Health Awareness theme, as mentioned in last week’s blog, is ‘Kindness’ (#KindnessMatters) and so for this blog, I have been reflecting more on what this actually means.

When we think of ‘Kindness’, we often think first of kindness to others. Small acts of kindness to others can not only change the other person who is receiving it, but can also build up and can change whole communities. Recently, the COVID-19 response has thrown up multiple examples of communities working together, being kind to each other and taking positive actions to support others, particularly those most vulnerable in their local areas (c.f. https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/how-communities-are-turning-to-kindness-in-such-fraught-times_uk_5e6f5fddc5b6dda30fcd76a2 / https://twitter.com/centrepointuk/status/1262732983452209156). Being kind to others is the behavioural consequence of having empathy and compassion towards them, which are critical human attributes, vital at any time but perhaps even more so right now as we hear about how others have been effected by COVID-19, often in different ways to our personal experiences. New relationships within local communities have been built upon ‘kindness’ wherein individuals have ‘co-produced’ or worked together to create solutions to the novel challenges and adaptations that COVID-19 has forced upon us all. Whatever our ‘new normal’ looks like in the future, I therefore hope that we do not forget this new era of empathy, compassion and kindness towards others too quickly in our haste to return to ‘business as usual’.

When I was reflecting on the value of kindness to others this week, I was reminded of one of my children’s storybooks; ‘Harry the Happy Mouse’ (c.f. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7OsfHyqE_M). In this story, Harry the mouse goes for an evening stroll and comes across another animal (a frog) whom he helps get down from where he is stuck. The frog thanks the mouse for his help, but the mouse says; “You shouldn’t thank me, just help someone too! That’ll be better, for me and for you!” The frog is initially confused by this and replies; “But Why?” said the Frog, “That doesn’t help you? If I help someone else, then who will help you?!” before the mouse notes wisely “when you help someone else, it makes you feel grand! So when someone needs help, just give them a hand”. Consequently, the frog then helps a mole, who in turn helps a bat, and before long a cat, dog and owl, and numerous other creatures in the local wood before finally the mouse learns how he has spread kindness and happiness at the end of the story; “All this kindness is spreading you see. Now we’re all happy, as happy as can be! “Wow” said Harry. “Look what I have done! I started all this by just helping one!”

For me this story has two important messages, first is the power of simple acts of kindness to others, in ‘playing kindness forwards’ to one other person, then just as a meme or virus can move through a population, so can kindness. A simple smile to another person may lift their mood, a listening ear can make them feel heard, expressing our gratitude to the Keyworker in the supermarket or helping a neighbour or colleague can start a chain, that may not end with that person we were kind to, but can create space for them to be kind to another, who in turn may be kind to many others and so on. As the famous Anthropologist Margaret Mead noted in the 1970’s; “never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have”.

The second message is the benefit of kindness upon ourselves, as being kind made Harry the Mouse (and all the other animals) happy! Importantly, this is not just a nice children’s story but is also based on science because being kind to others isn’t just a self-less act of altruism, it does actually benefit us (c.f. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9UByLyOjBM). When we are ‘kind’, brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) and hormones are released that improve our mental health by making us feel good, as well as improving our physical health by calming us, reducing our stress and thereby increasing our immune functioning. Therefore, it is argued that we have evolved to be ‘kind’ to others, not just for our own benefit but also perhaps because such actions helped us to forge and maintain our social groupings, which in turn was likely increased our own individual chance of survival. Consequently, ‘kindness’ to others is both a self-less and selfish act!

Because of the power of kindness not only to impact on others around us, but also ourselves, when reflecting upon this focus of Mental Health Awareness Week, I have been considering therefore about how we can apply the principles of kindness to ourselves. As noted in previous blogs about the importance of self-care and self-compassion, in order for us to be caring and compassionate to others, kindness to ourselves comes before kindness to others. If we are not treating ourselves kindly, then how much capacity will we have to be kind to others? In addition, the importance of being kind to ourselves or self-compassionate is critical to our mental well-being right now, we struggle to adapt our expectations and manage in the ‘new normal’ of a post COVID-19 world. Sometimes however we can forget to be kind to ourselves because we are often too focused on meeting our expectations for ourselves, and when we fail to meet these, we can be our own worst critic. For example, who hasn’t failed to have done X or Y since lock-down? I can certainly think of many examples (e.g. home schooling, physical exercise etc.), where at the start of lock-down I had very different expectations of how things would be before the reality of coping in these unprecedented times really hit. In order to manage my mental health over recent weeks and months, I have had to adjust my expectations of myself (and at times others) by being kind to myself and remembering, as we have also reflected on in many remote staff reflective spaces this week in Centrepoint; “that we can only do what we can do”.

Whilst being kind to ourselves can be hard, especially at the moment, it is also important as it can help us to be more resilient to challenges and stress, more productive and more able to overcome future challenges. The importance of self-compassion is highlighted in one psychological intervention; Compassionate Focused Therapy (CPF) developed by the psychologist Paul Gilbert (2010) as a variant of the evidence based Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) approach for depression and anxiety. One of the key therapeutic techniques of CFT is ‘compassionate mind training’, which addresses the problematic thoughts and emotions that underlay anxiety, anger, shame and self-criticism. It also focuses on how we can activate our ‘contentment, soothing or care-giving’ brain system (Gilbert, 2009), through being more aware of our present (using mindfulness or other similar activities), as well as challenging self-critical or shaming thoughts or ‘the voice of our inner critic’. Given that how we think effects our feelings and subsequently our behaviours, practicing self-talk that is warm, friendly, kind and encouraging, rather like a supportive friend, is therefore going to positively impact on our mental well-being and our ability to manage the daily challenges we are all experiencing to different degrees right now.

Therefore, practicing good self-care and ensuring that we seek a balance of daily activities involving mastery (e.g. achievement) as well as pleasure, nourishment or relaxation / rest remains critical. What this actually looks like will vary for all of us, as we are all individuals, but the principles of accepting that it is normal to have difficult feelings and ensuring we take care of ourselves to manage these before we can help others, is universal. So what activities might you undertake this Bank Holiday Weekend to prioritise your mental health (as well as of course ensuring that any activities continue to prioritise your physical health by adhering to physical distancing guidance!), and what can you continue to do even long after Mental Health Awareness week is over for another year?

Finally, however a word of caution about kindness being some kind of ‘magic wand’ or panacea for mental health. The hashtag #KindnessMatters is a great slogan, and kindness is indeed very important as outlined above, but reducing good mental health down to just ‘kindness’ ignores many of the structural inequalities and challenges faced by individuals, as well as their previous trauma and pain, and current societal challenges such as unemployment, homelessness, financial hardship and abusive relationships, all of which impact on mental health. Moreover, kindness alone is not going to alleviate the real and genuine anxiety that some people are experiencing about their future, and the depression and stress that have been the consequences of the social isolation of lock-down for others. As a psychologist, I therefore feel I need to highlight that #Kindnessmatters may be too simple a message that barely scratches the surface of the complexity of mental health.

Consequently, I would argue that what is also needed right now in Mental Health Awareness week is not just kindness, but also an anger towards and recognition of, the systems that are failing so many individuals in society and decreasing our mental well-being, including often the homeless young people referred to Centrepoint. This then needs to become a concerted effort to change these systems in the ‘new normal’ post COVID-19 that does not leave some of its most vulnerable citizens even further behind. As Mahatma Ghandi is reported to have stated; “A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members”, and whilst being ‘kind’ is an important place to start, and one we can all do relatively easily, in and of itself it is not enough to deal with the many underlying factors that ultimately impact on our mental health and that of others…